"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken...
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
* * *
It's no secret that Luke and I are in a sort of "gap year," if you will. Really, it feels like we're in a "gap chunk" with multiple years of waiting and preparing for what is to come.
We both came to Spokane to gain training and degrees that will prepare us for a life as foreign missionaries. Right now, we're both working seemingly random jobs before heading back to school. We believe that, in the course of time, we belong overseas, as a pilot and teacher, reaching people with the good news of salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.
Waiting is frustrating! I want to be where I think I belong.
The purpose of this "gap year" is to settle into marriage apart from the stress of school. (Moody Aviation used to require a year off for newlyweds.) We intend for this year, and every year leading up to the next stage, to set the rhythm for a life of sustainable ministry.
But this gap year is BUSY. Luke has been working long hours at a lawn care company. The company transitioned to installing/tearing down Christmas decorations. Right now the company is on hiatus until the weather changes, so Luke is helping someone in our church to build his house. This is a strange year where Luke is not working with airplanes, even though that's one of his heart's desires.
I'm currently juggling 3 jobs. The most time-consuming job is part-time at Barnes & Noble where I switch shifts between the book floor and the cafe. I love books and coffee! But I'm at the point where I sit down, completely exhausted, asking God why I earned a Bachelor's degree just to be handing people coffee and searching up "a book with a blue cover and pretty font... maybe with a flower somewhere on there?!"
My most mentally-demanding and emotionally-draining job is as the Youth & Outreach Catalyst at our church. I LOVE this two-fold job. God gave me a passion for teaching, especially teaching His Word to teenagers. I firmly believe that the teenage years are the most influential time to be taught Bible Truth. Outreach is the natural outflow of a love for the gospel. It's human nature to share what we love the most. This is my favorite job, though it provides limited hours and demands the most results while leaving great room for failure.
I also get to babysit two adorable toddlers once or twice a week. I'm not a mom, but I can tell you that nothing shows you the innate sinful nature of humanity like a dramatic toddler. And then, after blatant disobedience or mean-spiritedness, that child looks up at you with those big eyes and chubby cheeks and you just want to swaddle them with love! (Thank you, Jesus, for swaddling me in Your love even when I steal the credit and glory from You like the brother steals the toy from his sister.)
We also have weekly commitments like youth group, the Perspectives course, small group, worship team, and various ministry meetings. Each commitment has it's own level of preparation and follow-up to keep track of.
We are not where we want to stay.
And honestly? It's draining. It's draining to come home from a job that's temporary. It's draining to constantly be asking how we will move forward. It's draining to repeatedly change plans and prolong a timeline. It's draining to feel like you're "moving forward" in a ministry one week, and the very next week it looks like you took 5 huge steps backward. It's draining to finally sit down, yet have that constantly nagging thought playing in the back of your head- "what else do I need to be doing?"
We know we're not the only ones.
We see you new moms with arms heavy as you try to rock your baby back to sleep. We see you "retired" people who suddenly find you're busier than you've ever been with all of those "do you have time to...?" phone calls. We see you post-grads and newlyweds also trying to figure out what this new chapter in life should look like. We see you job-jugglers trying to make ends meet. We see you foster parents giving your all while the rest of the world seems to work against the child.
We see you in the rut of life crying out to God and asking, "When will this season end?!"
We are exactly where God has prepared us to be for this time.
Because we're still learning the rhythms of sustainable ministry life. We're learning to balance the work that we're paid to do and the work that we volunteer to do. We're learning when to say yes and when to say no.
We are seeing how ministry- loving God and loving people tangibly, conversationally, and relationally- is a joy and responsibility amidst the triumphs AS WELL AS the failures.
Remember:
"So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow," 1 Corinthians 3:7 (NIV)
Our work is to proclaim the word of God courageously and fearlessly to all nations. This happens in the cafe and on the job site. The harvest is plentiful and all around us. We know that wherever the Lord brings us, He has put people in our lives who need to see His love manifested through His hands and feet- the Church. And God is using our current situations to better prepare us for whatever He will bring us in the next season.
Now is the time for rest.
Because we know that whatever the next season brings, it will also bring busyness. Let's be honest- if God gave us an 8th day of the week, we'd just fill it up with another to-do list.
The Lord is teaching us how to rest well in the midst of a busy schedule. David Platt expressed this well in one of his podcasts where he discusses our need to "work wisely and rest responsibly."
A couple of weeks ago I had a panic attack trying to keep track of everything I was failing to do. Luke was out with the guys and I had the house to myself. I pulled out my (now dusty) journal, and I wrote out all of my current commitments. The list took up a full page. I fell into a puddle of tears, exhausted with the weight of what I had to do and how I was going to accomplish it all. Do you hear the hidden pride?
Rest is not stepping away from all of the work that I have to do; rest is finding strength in the finished work of Christ.
In that hour by myself, my focus was on how I needed to be stronger, I needed to power through, because I was the only one who could get everything done. I essentially took Jesus out of my every day life.
The fundamental difference between sinful rest (what I've been doing) and righteous rest (what God gives us), is the foundation. Remember the parable of the foolish man who built his house on the sand? But the wise man built his house on the rock? The rains came down, the floods came up, and only the wise man's house stood firm. I have been resting on sand. TV became my sand. Reading became my sand. Naps became my sand. Baking became my sand. My sand was anything to avoid the reality of my work because I told myself "I deserve a break." These things could be good things, but they became bad things because I prioritized my time with these things above my time with Jesus.
Jesus is my resting rock. Resting on the Rock means spending time in prayer for my co-workers. Or washing the dishes even when I don't want to and thanking God for the food and housewares He has blessed us with. It means spending time talking to Jesus and paying attention to the things He lays on my heart. Resting on the Rock means assessing my list of responsibilities and checking if all of them are necessary, recognizing when a season has passed, and letting go of responsibilities that I don't need to hold on to anymore. I have found that when I rest on the Rock, He takes away the burdens that I least expect Him to take, and it's the biggest weight off of my shoulders.
Jesus saved me from my sins with His completed work on the cross. I am forgiven. I am a new creation. I don't need to prove myself (to myself or to anyone else).
Jesus prepared work for me to do. He commands us to "go and make disciples of all nations." He gave me a job at the bookstore to proclaim the glory of God. He gave Luke the lawn care job to proclaim the glory of God to his co-workers and to trust God in the gaps. He entrusted us with ministry opportunities at our church to proclaim the glory of God and directly disciple students to do the same. He's given us weekly responsibilities to juggle so that we can practice a ministry life that is faithful, flexible, and filled with intentional fellowship. And He's showing us our limits. And He's showing us His strength. And He's telling us to keep going.
We're learning that we have been resting poorly. God is teaching us what righteous rest looks like, and let me tell ya- the Rock is better than the sand.
